Keeping a secret is the strangest sensation- it’s as if you are harbouring a stow away, and the more you keep quiet, the more it grows inside of you.
But I have never been one for secrets, I find the more you are able to share, the easier it is to handle a situation, and the bonus is that you have more people who can hold your hand and share in the pleasures too.
Maybe I’m not harboring a stow away, but I’m definitely growing a little life inside of me.
I knew it straight away.
It was as if something inside of me shut down, not in a negative way, there was just a closing off, an instinctual protecting, a drawing of the curtains so to speak.
I felt fuller, preoccupied in my thoughts, slower in my actions, more deliberate in my decisions, almost tortoise like.
From that first day of a missed period, I knew.
Even though we did the pregnancy test 3 times to just be sure.
The only way to describe the sensation is feeling “occupied” , “engaged” as if I am walking through a haze of happiness, yet also anxiety, fear, and what ifs?
All of a sudden I have been landed with all this responsibility, this huge task of transition from woman to mother.
Working in the birthing field I have had the honour to experience pregnancy and birth with so many courageous women.
I have shared in so many beautiful pregnancies and birthing stories that I feel a little less anxious of what is to come, and yet knowing, and having seen the truth, I am also maybe a tad overwhelmed with the magnitude of it all.
I have always revered and respected the transitions of pregnancy and the power of birth, and now I have been blessed with the honour of experiencing it first hand.
What a gift.
I am fully aware of my need to surrender to this incredible blessing, to allow for the changes to take place, to soften, to fill out, to expand my heart and my body.
It is my honour to make space for this new life to grow, and blossom In my care.
But this does not mean in anyway that this little baby is mine- yes I will be its mother: it’s womb, it’s home, it’s safe space- but I certainly do not own this soul, nor is this little soul an extension of my husband or I.
He or she is very much it’s own being, fully independent, and free to be whoever it is destined to be.
I am reminded of Kahil Gibrans famous saying: ” Your children are not your children, they are the sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, and though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love, but not your thoughts. For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you”
Powerful thoughts on non-attachment, on acceptance, and unconditional love.
Each day, this little bean grows, it reminds me, how much of it’s own person it already is.
Completely unique, completely individual, and determined to let me know this too.
From week 5 I have been shattered to my core with nausea and exhaustion.
The idea of practicing yoga in the heated room makes me feel horrendous, and so my daily activity has been reduced to a stroll around the block, or a few stretches as I instruct my own yoga class.
Who knew such a tiny little creature could have such an incredible effect on your being.
So much for my healthy “preconception diet”- all those wonderful fruits and vegetables, are out of the kitchen for now,
No more green smoothies for me, no more eggs, or seeds, or oats.
All I can handle is good old peanut butter toast and tea- as in breakfast, lunch and dinner… that’s three times a day.
My little sugar bean may turn into peanut butter soon! ?
Again life teaches you its powerful lessons in the simplest of truths.
Let go of your expectations.
Let go of your desire to control the unknown.
Surrender yourself to your internal power.
Sit quietly with yourself and learn to observe the changes without judgement, but rather with reverence, respect and honour.
Thank you little bean for teaching me these lessons…
You are only 11 weeks old, and yet powerful enough to exert major changes in my thoughts and my actions.
How nerve wrecking and yet how exciting…
I can’t wait to see how this adventure unfolds..